


Hello, Operator, Give Me Number Nine

by cait_the_great



Series: AU trash what AU trash. Oh, that's me. [1]
Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: 911 operator AU, Fluff, Other, also tattooed!laf, and Perry is surprisingly flirty, basically LaF is a hot mess but knows to call 911, because she doesn't need to mom as much, god they're so adorable it's disgusting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-28
Updated: 2015-03-06
Packaged: 2018-03-15 13:55:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3449600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cait_the_great/pseuds/cait_the_great
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>LaFontaine can't seem to keep themselves from sustaining injuries from their many experiments, and without first aid training, they feel the need to call 911 to make sure they aren't, y'know, actually dying.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Another day, another mishap

**Author's Note:**

> Betaed by the wonderful kaitlynsgonnakait

“This is 911. What is your emergency?” said a calm voice on the other end of the line.

“Hi, so I’m a bio student who’s been dabbling in chemistry, and something may have…er…exploded? And my arms might be a little blistered? So I was wondering if I needed to go to the ER. Or poison control. Or maybe the fire department,” LaFontaine said, one hand holding the phone and the other gloved as they prepared to clean up the remnants of several beakers. 

“Can you give me more information? What exploded? What do the burns look like?” The operator sounded remarkably unaffected by LaF’s tale of pyrotechnics, and they took a split second to admire the person’s composure.

“Well, I had some solid sodium, and a flask of what I thought was ammonia, but apparently it was water. So…explosion. That’s totally my bad,” LaF said, reaching to ruffle their hair sheepishly before remembering their chemical-coated glove. “And the burns look like burns, really. The skin is red and a little blistered in the middle, and it really hurts.”

“Okay, sounds like you’re going to be all right,” the operator said, an amused note in her voice. “Now, as far as the burns go ma’am-“

“Um, actually, it’s not ma’am,” LaF interrupted. “Sorry, I know this is a bit much for over the phone, but I’m nonbinary.”

“My apologies,” said the operator. “Do you have a preferred honorific? Or maybe a name? Oh, and pronouns.”

“Oh, yeah! My name’s LaFontaine, they/them. And as far as honorifics, maybe friend? It hasn’t exactly come up much,” they said, recalling the various unflattering nicknames they’d accrued from years of lab (and not lab) accidents.

“Alright, LaFontaine. For your burns, run the area under cool water for about 10 minutes. Don’t break any blisters, no matter how tempting, and put moisturizer or aloe vera on it. It sounds like you’ve got some first-degree burns, which are pretty much sunburns, so no hospital for you. If it’s seriously hurting, take Advil or an equivalent. And next time you’re doing experiments, label your chemicals!” 

“Thank you so much,” LaF said, relieved to be avoiding an ER visit on a student budget. Before the operator could hang up, LaF said, “Wait! What’s your name?”

“My name’s Perry, she/her. And my honorific is sweetie in your case. Have a lovely night, and please use proper safety precautions in the future!” Before LaF could process the maybe-flirting, they heard a click on the other end of the line. 

 

“Hello, you’ve reached 911. What is your emergency?” a familiar voice said.

“Hi, is this Perry?” LaFontaine asked, eyeing the bubbling concoction under the fume hood uneasily.

“Um, yes,” Perry said, taken somewhat aback. 

“It’s LaFontaine again…I called a few weeks ago about a beaker explosion?”

“Yeah, I remember that pretty clearly,” Perry teased. “What’s happened now?”

“Well, I’m…not sure. I was following procedures with my well-labelled materials, and something unexpected happened.”

“Go on…”

“It turned green and started smoking. I think I inhaled some of the smoke before I got it under the fume hood, and next thing I knew I was on the floor with a tender spot on my head,” LaF said, rubbing the spot gingerly.

“Do you know what caused the reaction?” Perry asked.

“Would it be bad if I said no?”

“That depends. Do you feel like you’re about to gain the powers of any animal? Are you developing super speed?” 

“Are you referencing comics when I’m possibly dying?” LaFontaine said, torn between being offended and laughing. They’d grown up on comic books, but somehow that never seemed to be particularly impressive when coupled with their lab rat career and penchant for minor injuries. Few people wanted to date somebody who had the Green Lantern pledge tattooed on their shoulder, especially when their eyebrows were singed off as often as not.

“Of course. But seriously, anything besides a sore head?” Perry asked. LaF thought (hoped) that she sounded concerned.

“That’s really it,” they said. As an afterthought, they added, “Oh, and I burned off some of the hair on my arms, but that’s pretty normal”

“The same arms that you burned a few weeks ago? It might be time to invest in some heavy duty gloves, friend.”

“Hey, you remembered!” 

“Of course I did. My mind’s like a steel trap,” Perry bragged. “Plus, I like you. It wouldn’t do to misgender someone I liked now, would it?”

LaF filed away the “I like you” for future picking apart before replying, “Nah, that wouldn’t be cool…sweetie. So, do I need a doctor?”

“Are you dizzy, confused, light-sensitive? Is there a tangible lump on your head, or just a sore spot?” Perry asked, every inch the professional again.

“No, no, no, and just a sore spot,” LaF listed.

“Then I give you a clean bill of health! Well, as much as I can. I’m not a doctor yet.”

“Oh, you’re in med school? That’s awesome! I thought about that, but I’m way more into biochem. Headed for my master’s,” they said proudly. 

“I am. I want to be a pediatrician,” Perry said. Before LaF could respond, they heard a voice saying something in the background. “Sorry, but since you’re not actually factually dying or anything, I’ve really got to go. I’d say talk to you soon, but I really hope I don’t have a reason to!”

“Bye, Perr,” LaF said, hanging up. They didn’t realize how easily they’d fallen into conversation with Perry until it’d been cut off. Damned real jobs.

 

“911. What is your emergency?”

“Hey Perr. It’s me,” LaF said, trying not to touch anything.

“Hello, LaFontaine. I was just about to clock out when the phone rang. I’m glad it’s you instead of another mother worried about Ebola. What did you do this time?” 

“Well, long story short a flask exploded and I have shards of glass in my face and neck,” LaF said, wincing as the phone brushed against a particularly deeply embedded fragment.

“What? Are you okay? Of course not, that’s why you’re calling me. Okay, what’s the long story?” said the operator, a note of panic in her voice.

“I put a flask on to heat and it did…really fast. I was wearing my goggles and gloves though!” LaF said, quick to mention their precautions. Really, the fact that they’d remembered the gloves had only been because they didn’t want to call Per-911 with another set of acid burns or singed skin. 

“All right. Do you think any of the pieces are big enough that the cuts’ll need stitches?” Perry said, back in professional mode.

“Nah, the bits are pretty small. There’s just…a lot of them. It looks kinda like I lost a fight with a glass porcupine,” LaF said, examining themselves in the mirror. “Maybe I’ll get a cool scar.”

“LaFontaine, I swear, you’re going to blow yourself up someday,” Perry said. LaF could almost picture her shaking her head at the other end of the line. Well, they could almost picture it if they knew anything about Perry other than her voice. “Look, if you don’t need stitches, I can patch you up. Do you want to meet me somewhere?”

“Um, I don’t really want to venture out with my face all bloody. My lab’s at Fifth and Southwest A. The building’s called Silas Research and I’m on the third floor.”

“Okay. I need to make a quick stop for some supplies and I’ll be there soon. Oh, before I go, do you have an allergies?” 

“Just assholes. Nothing medical though,” LaF joked.

“All right, dearie. See you soon,” Perry said. LaFontaine hoped they weren’t imagining the excitement in her voice.

 

A knock on the door startled LaF out of their thoughts. They turned in their seat, overbalanced, and tumbled onto the floor.

“LaFontaine! Are you all right?” Perry said in her familiar voice. LaF popped up onto their feet with the grace of a drunken rhinoceros, catching their first glimpse of Perry as they did so. LaFontaine knew that biologically, attraction was physical, and that love was chemical, and that really they didn’t know Perry well enough to even be thinking of the word love in relation to her, but they couldn’t help themselves. She looked like everything they didn’t know they’d been waiting for.

“LaF? Honey? Did you hit your head again?” Perry asked.

“What? Oh, no. I’m fine. Just, uh, tired! Yeah, tired,” LaF stammered. “So yeah, nice to meet you in person. I’m LaFontaine but you knew that and I’m doing the whole Cher thing so it’s just LaFontaine. Is Perry your first or last name?”

“Hi, LaFontaine. It’s nice to meet you too. Usually people don’t literally fall for me, but with someone like you I don’t mind,” Perry said with a smile, causing LaF’s heart to give a most unscientifically accurate stutter. “Perry is my surname, but it’s what I go by. Now, I have some supplies to get you all cleaned up. Want to sit?”

LaF noticed the bags in Perry’s hands and took them from her in an attempt at chivalry before realizing there was nowhere to put them. “Uh, hold on, let me clear some space,” they said, handing the bags back and hastily clearing lab manuals and scales to the side. Perry set the bags on the counter and began to pull things out as LaF sat on their favorite lab stool.

“All right, I’m going to start pulling out these pieces of glass, so try and hold really still, all right? It’ll hurt a bit, but it won’t be in your face anymore.” 

LaF nodded and Perry began to pull the slivers from their face. After the first couple, LaFontaine was biting their lip to keep from moving under Perry’s hands. Noticing their discomfort, Perry paused. “You good?”

“It’s a bit of a pain in the neck, or cheek if you will,” LaF said, assessing Perry’s reaction as their terrible joke landed. Seeing her try and suppress a smile, they continued, “Maybe you could talk or something? Distract me. Tell me what the hell you’re doing working a night shift as a 911 operator.”

“Well,” Perry started, taking up the tweezers again, “I moved here for med school with a decent scholarship, but family circumstances changed and I ended up needing to work to help pay for school. With my hours and qualifications, this was the best fit.”

“But don’t you sleep?” LaF said, running calculations of class hours and work hours in their mind.

“Some. Not as much as I should,” Perry admitted.

“And here I am, a walking medical disaster, causing you to give up your free time,” LaF said, mentally smacking themselves on the forehead.

“Don’t worry about it, doll. This is good practice,” Perry grinned. “Okay, one more, and then we can clean these bad boys. Bad girls? Bad…cuts? Why is everything gendered?”

“Man, don’t have to tell me twice,” LaF said, shaking their head. “Ow. Maybe I shouldn’t do that.”

“I said to hold still!” Perry admonished. “Now for real, hold still. You don’t want hydrogen peroxide somewhere it isn’t supposed to be.”

Perry made quick work of their many cuts and abrasions, cleaning them all and bandaging the worst. 

“You may get your wish for a cool scar,” she said, tilting their face to one side. “This cut on your cheek is pretty big. It could probably do with a stitch or two.”

“No, no, that’s all right,” LaF said hastily. “No needles, please.”

Perry sat back and looked at them. “Do you mean to tell me that the fearless bio major has a needle phobia?”

“I most certainly do! Anything else, I’m fine. Just…no pointy things,” LaF said. “Man, to get my tat I basically had to wear blinders and earplugs.”

“That sounds like a story for another time,” Perry said, gathering the various supplies back into her bags. “Oh, and before I forget, this is for you,” she said, pulling a half-melted pint of ice cream out of one of the sacks. 

“Aw, thanks, Perr,” LaF said. “I think I’ll stick this in the specimen freezer and have it for lunch.” As they moved to do so, they said casually, “So, uh, you said story for another time. Care to make that a firm commitment? Say, this Friday over dinner?”

“I’d love too,” Perry said. “Here, give me your phone, I’ll put my number in.” LaFontaine passed their phone to her and grabbed their bag. Putting the returned phone in their pocket, they said, “Let me walk you out.”

Later, they checked their contact list and found the number of one Lola Perry, who’d taken the liberty of listing herself as “Your Favorite (future) Doc.” LaF grinned before texting her. -Hey, My Favorite Future Doc. This is Your Walking Disaster-  



	2. First Dates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which LaF and Perry picnic and debate about comics.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If overwhelming cuteness isn't your thing, bail out now.

Approximately four and a quarter minutes after agreeing to pick Perry up at seven on Friday, LaF began to panic. Some part of them hadn’t really expected to get this far, hadn’t really expected to find someone who wasn’t put off by their accident-prone, still in school at twenty four, constantly overtired and over-caffeinated self. Apparently, that was the part of them that planned dates in advance. As usual when they found themselves with a dilemma of the romantic sort, LaFontaine pulled out their phone and called their best friend.

“Hello?”

“Help I asked out a pretty girl and she said yes and I don’t know what to do!” LaF wailed.

“LaFontaine, you should probably breathe. And then maybe start at the beginning?” Laura suggested.

“Well in the past few weeks I’ve called 911 often enough that I kinda made friends with one of the operators. Then last night I had a slight mishap and she came to the lab to help patch me up and I asked her out? And she said yes? And I don’t know what comes next?” LaF said, searching their pockets to find something to fidget with as they talked. Pulling out a wad of string, they began to tie and untie knots as they continued. “She’s really sweet and funny and nice and pretty and I’m gonna fuck this up if I don’t get help.”

“No, you wouldn’t,” Laura said with confidence. “I have faith in you. Although…”

“Although?”

“Maybe we should plan what you’re going to do on this date.”

“That’s why I called, L. Help!”

“Well, what does she like?” Laura said, practical as always.

“Um, she’s in med school? She likes chocolate? And me, apparently,” LaF added as an afterthought.

“We can work with that,” Laura said with confidence. “Now, how do you feel about zoos?”

“That would be a spectacular, resounding no, L. Do you remember that time at the Smithsonian? I’m pretty sure me and my sample jars are banned from every zoo on the continent,” LaF said.

“Oh, yeah. So I’m guessing that’s a no to aquariums too, huh?” Laura paused for a response. “LaFontaine, I can’t see you nod.”

“Right. No on aquariums,” LaF said, struggling to undo the knot they’d somehow wound around three of their fingers.

“And I suppose dinner and a movie would be too traditional?” Laura sighed, already knowing the answer.

“Way too traditional! For Christ’s sake, we met because I kept blowing stuff up accidentally. There’s nothing traditional about that,” LaF said. All of the sudden, they knew exactly what to do for the perfect date. “I figured it out, Laura. Gotta go, tell you more later!” they said in a rush, shoving the string in one pocket and their phone in another as they dashed to get their shoes.

 

Taking a deep breath and reaching to straighten the tie that they’d forgotten they decided against, LaFontaine knocked on the door of Perry’s apartment. They barely had time to put their arm down before Perry opened the door. She looked beautiful in her sweater and skirt, and LaF suddenly felt horribly inadequate in their buttondown and jeans. Taking a deep breath, they grinned and said, “Hey, favorite future doctor. You ready to roll?”

Perry smiled back at them and said, “Yep! Just let me lock up.”

As Perry put her keys in her pocket, LaFontaine offered their arm to her. Before they could start to overthink it, they made a ridiculous face, causing Perry to giggle as she took their arm and they started down the hall.

“So, what do you have planned for us? I hope it doesn’t involve open flames or glassware,” Perry teased as the two headed to LaF’s beat-up old car.

“Well, it’s kind of a surprise,” LaF said, opening the passenger door. “Oh, and this door doesn’t really open from the inside, so sorry about that. But I figured we’d head to Lustig Park first.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

LaF began driving, trying very hard not to drum their fingers on the wheel and searching for something to start the conversation. Before they could, Perry asked, “So, besides school and causing accidents in the lab, what do you like to do?”

Of course, the first thing to pop into LaF’s mind is “You, hopefully.” They can feel themselves turning bright red and they can only hope Perry doesn’t notice. “Honestly, not much else. I watch way too many bad sci-fi shows and movies, and read way more comic books than my budget can probably afford. They’re my vice.”

“Really? Marvel or DC?” Perry said, a hint of a challenge in her voice.

“Why do I get the feeling that this answer could make or break our relationship?”

“Because it very well may,” Perry said seriously. “Proceed with caution.”

“Okay. Well, first off, I love them both, just to be clear,” LaF said, warming up to the topic. “I think my final answer would probably be Marvel movies, but DC television and heroes. Comics, it depends on the writer.”

Perry sat back in her seat, thinking LaFontaine’s answer over. After a moment, she spoke. “I like that. I guess you can keep driving instead of taking me home, then.”

“Phew. I passed the first test,” LaF smiled. “Besides doctor stuff and patching up the likes of me, what do you do?”

“I bake a lot. Brownies are my specialty. I clean house for my dad. Ever since my mom passed away, he hasn’t really been up to it,” Perry admitted.

“I’m sorry for your loss. How long ago did it happen?” LaFontaine asked with sympathy.

“Almost two years. That’s why I got certified as an operator. Mom was the one who worked. Dad has MS, so it’s been pretty tough.” Perry shrugged. “But another year and I’ll be a doctor. I’ll be able to help people, finally.”

LaF took their hand off the gearshift and rested it on top of Perry’s.  “Don’t worry, Perr. You already help people more than you could ever know.”

Perry smiled. “Thank you, LaFontaine. That’s really sweet of you.”

“And uh, not to lessen the gravity of the moment, but we’re here,” LaF said, pulling smoothly into a parking space. They hopped out and grabbed the basket they’d prepared from the backseat before offering their arm to Perry again. LaFontaine led her to the top of a small hill and set the basket down under a tree. They pulled out a blanket patterned with double helixes and spread it on the ground with a flourish.

“This is a spectacularly geeky blanket, LaF,” Perry said as she sat, legs neatly folded beneath her.

“Well, I don’t know if you’ve noticed yet, but I’m kind of spectacularly geeky,” LaF said as they began pulling food out of the basket. They hadn’t known what Perry liked, so they had some of everything. First came the cheese and crackers, then a variety of sliced fruits, vegetables, sandwiches, and finally a couple dozen of Laura’s favorite brand of cookies.

“Wow. That’s an impressive spread,” Perry said, taking a plate from LaF and beginning to fill it with a bit of everything. “Okay. In your opinion, what’s the geekiest thing you’ve ever done?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” LaFontaine said immediately. “I have the Green Lantern oath tattooed on my right shoulder.”

“What? No way,” Perry laughed. “You mean to tell me that you got ‘In brightest day, in blackest night/No evil shall escape my sight/Let those who worship evil’s might/Beware my power-Green Lantern’s light!’ tattooed on your shoulder? That’s so nerdy!”

“Says the person who just recited the entire oath from memory,” LaF said smugly. They took a bite of cookie as Perry got to her feet, extending her hand down to LaFontaine.

“Come on, I want to see this tattoo,” she said impatiently. When LaF was slow in getting to their feet, Perry added, “That is okay, isn’t it? Because I know boundaries are important and we don’t know each other super well an-”

“Perr, it’s fine,” LaF interrupted. “I was just finishing my bite. Besides, once you pick glass shards out of someone’s face, you’re pretty close.”

“Oh, good, I really didn’t want to make you uncomfortable or anything an-” Perry was babbling. LaF didn’t know if she’d even realized it. They gently put a hand over her mouth and she stopped.

“Do you wanna see this bad boy or not?” Once Perry nodded, LaF undid the top few buttons of their shirt and slid it off their shoulder, pulling the strap of their binder aside with one hand.

“Wow, LaFontaine,” Perry breathed, reaching a cautious hand towards their shoulder. “This is….possibly the dorkiest thing I’ve ever seen on a human, and last week I had to coach someone through removing Vulcan ears that they’d superglued on by mistake.”

“Hey, you asked!” LaF said, redoing their buttons and sitting back down.

“That I did,” Perry conceded. “So what do you want to do with your degree?”

“Research, probably. There’s this really cool plant that was just recently discovered in Austria. It’s bioluminescent, which is cool in its own right, but it also seems to be functionally immortal, kind of like lobsters,” LaF said excitedly. “You know the thing about lobsters right? The only time they’ve ever been recorded dying is by being killed and very occasionally illness. And they never stop growing! Just think, if you could isolate that gene, you could reverse it and figure out how to cure cancer!”

“I think that’s the most you’ve spoken to me at once without mentioning a minor catastrophe,” Perry laughed.

“Well, I am your walking disaster,” LaF said shyly. Somehow over the course of the conversation, they had ended up shoulder to shoulder with Perry, both leaning on a tree. LaF turned slightly towards Perry, only to find that she had already turned towards them. Hesitantly, they leaned forward. Their last clear thought was, “For fuck’s sake, I’m a grown ass adult, not a seventh grader holding hands on the bleachers.” Then they were kissing Perry, and Perry was kissing them back. After either an eternity or a moment, Perry pulled back. LaFontaine was relieved to see her smiling.

“I think it’s my turn to ask you out, yeah?” she asked.

“It is. And my answer is definitely yes, as long as we can do more of that,” LaF responded, gesturing vaguely to the space (the way-too-large space) between them.

“I think I could be on board with that,” Perry said, leaning in again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks once again to kaitlynsgonnakait, who gave me the idea for the picnic, and to my friends for letting me yell about this chapter a lot.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I plan on doing a serious of AUs featuring several pairings, because I'm multi-shipper trash. You can find me on tumblr at caitestthegreatest.tumblr.com


End file.
